So some years ago, I was floating down the Green River in rural western North Carolina with some friends. We’d gotten tubes from these guys who were undoubtedly coked to the gills, renting tubes for $5 per float out of their trailer on the side of the road. The deal was that they’d let us put in at their place and then come pick us up later at a take-out a few miles away. Then they drove us back in the back of a pick-up that had wooden planks fashioned as benches around the edges. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, aside from the dude renting us the tubes checking his non-existent watch repeatedly, your tube could pop because it was a cheap-ass tube, and you should have known better than to trust that guy. But this is not a post about blaming anyone for anything; accidents happen, and this is a post about BEING PREPARED. In my case, I had just started down the river and was having a really nice time, feeling fully embodied and free, kind of losing control a bit (as one does), and I veered into the tree line, where a low branch punctured my tube. I was losing air fast, and we hadn’t spent the extra $5 for a spare tube for a cooler (as we should have).
Luckily, I had a patch kit with me, and I was able to head back to shore and patch the tube. There are lots of different brands of these kits — both brand name and generic — from the more expensive Slime 50122 Flat Tire Puncture Emergency Kit to the much less expensive AUTOWN Tire Repair Kit — 68pcs Heavy Duty Tire Plug Kit. So basically, when plan A fails and your tube pops, consider these repair kits a kind of plan B.
As an aside, I had a friend in high school who had a much older boyfriend, and he was pretty controlling of my friend. He’d force her to go tubing, even when she didn’t want to, and sometimes he wouldn’t even use a tube! He’d just float bareback down the river… Anyway, I digress. But in my friend’s case, it was more important than ever that she have a patch kit on hand, considering that she was the only one of the two of them being responsible. That was back in the 1980s, though, and it was much easier to handle these tubing challenges, so at least there was that.
Having a backup plan is always important, so stock up. At present, I have about 20 of these generic version patch kits, just in case anyone I know might find themselves in similar circumstances and need some help. So what I’m saying here is that if you find yourself with a popped inner tube but don’t have provisions to fix it, just let me know because I have extra!
Also: depending on where you live, there could be a supply chain crisis at any moment, so it’s always good to be prepared. Stock up on those patch kits, girlfriends. Seriously.
So now that we’ve covered patch kits, let’s move on to what you can do if you’ve made plans to head out for a float with your girlfriends (you’re in charge of bringing the wine!), and as you get your tube out of the side yard, you realize that the kid who maintains the grounds at your apartment complex has driven over it with the lawnmower and shredded it, making a patch kit useless. You remember that the last time you used the thing was like six weeks or so ago, so you weren’t even aware that this travesty had happened. So now here you are, a sack of wine in hand that you’re now forced to carry, against your will, back into your sad apartment. But you have options!
If you find yourself in a place where you can’t get a new tube — maybe you live in a place that has banned floatation devices — you might be able to get someone to drive you to place that still sells them. If you need a ride, I’m here for you. I live in North Carolina, and at least for now, we still sell floats. Yay!
But assuming you seriously cannot physically get to a place where you can purchase a tube, you still have options. You can order a tube — and blow up the tube in the privacy of your own home. No one even has to know about the whole thing with the lawnmower! There are a couple of types of tubes that I recommend, as I’ve done a bit of research on the subject and know them to be reliable, relatively affordable, and expedient. First, there’s this happy little guy, the Zangeroi River Tube. You can get it here, and it’ll be delivered in about a week (assuming availability and demand). You don’t even have to supply proof that your previous tube was destroyed, and you don’t have to consult with the tube company about your options. Total liberation! I’d recommend getting one to have on hand, even if your current tube is fine; as you now realize, you never know when the lawn guy might come back and trash it with a weed wacker.
Another option is the Bradley River Tube with patented heavy-duty cover. It’s super nice and can be purchased here. Know that this one comes with a few strings, though, as you’ll need to provide a photo of your ID, and you’ll need to consult with a tube provider to get this one. But everything is very confidential, so, again, no one has to know about the lawnmower fiasco. Both tubes come in discrete packaging as well.
If these tubes are too expensive, there are resources out there that can help you cover the costs. You can search for those here. Learn from my mistakes: don’t ever trust coke heads with $5 tube rentals and a pick-up truck. Sometimes it costs a bit more to be safe.
Finally, given the uncertainty of the world, challenges to the supply chain, the unseen dangers of the river (with its sharp rocks and tree branches), the potential for a surprise tube deflation caused by a lawnmower or some stealthy thief who climbs over your fence and steals your brand new Bradley river tube (I mean, it’s a nice tube, right?), a girl can never be too careful. And it sucks that we — girls and women — are being forced to be in a place where we and we alone seem to care about our freedom and safety when it comes to tubing. So here’s what I recommend: get yourself a New Wave Swim Bubble.
These products are not super popular in the U.S., but they are the float method of choice for many women around the world. They inflate in five to 15 minutes — and they can last up to 10 years! Amazing!
Anyway, I hope this post has been helpful and that you can float through all the challenges that lie ahead. Take care!